The Heisenberg method Position and velocity from a moving lion can not be measure at the same time. As moving lions have no physical meaningful position in the desert, one can not catch them. The lion hunt can therefore be limited to resting lions. The catching of a resting, not moving lion is left as an exercise for the reader.
Comment Cuthbert: I've got that Joke from there. Have you seen the Christmas Special? Comment A! Next morning he want to complain that at the reception. Wenn ich keine andere Decke bekomme werde ich ausziehen. On the first tee, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard.
Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely. Next up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball comes to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick. Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball.
Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away.
As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession. After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.
So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals. Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff. Comment Why do old men get Viagra in their rest home? A half pill in the morning to aim the pissoir by self In the evening a hole pill to prevent rolling out of the bed at night.
Comment John was in trouble, really big trouble. His wife was really pissed. The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.
Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday. As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rodes off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. It has horsepower and can go miles per hour! So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
The car goes from mph in just 2. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again… this time coming toward him. It flies by again, heading the opposite direction!
And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you? Comment An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
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As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave! Comment What a coincidence! A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a Glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of Champagne, too! As they clinked glasses the man Asked, 'What are you celebrating? The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence. Comment A Green Peace ship is cruising the sees to override illegal whaling. Unfortunately they are too late, a japanese whaler had already shot a whale, chipped off the rind and prepare to release the body back into the see. The Green Peace captain abuses the whalers captain by radio, but the laconic answer is that the whale has been duly measured and all this is in accordance with scientific purpose and hang up.
Green Peace launches a torpedo. The whaler, in panic returns to the radio and asks what the hell Green Peace had driven to launch that torpedo. It is an illegal act of piracy. Comment After some 2, years in heaven, Trinity gets sort of bored. So they have an idea — they should go on holidays.
But where to? Just lets avoid the US. People to often make wrongful use of my name there. These places really evoke bad memories. Comment The latest one from Ottawa The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. You're going to hate yourself for loving this! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'. Comment Two dwarves go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go? I just couldn't get an erection. I couldn't get on the bed. Comment How to classify girls by their hair color. Blondes: Under a golden roof, often you find a plastic jutty. Brunettes: When the sun is shining on a dark roof, it will become hot beyond. Redheads: Which has a rusty roof, has a wet basement too. Comment Not exactly hot off the press, but still good: Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which became increasingly tighter and more uncomfortable as the day went on.
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That night, with the festivities finally over, she and Charles retired to their room at the palace. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove one's shoes darling, one's feet are killing one. But it's just so bloody tight! Finally when the shoe came off, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good. One wrong screw and the whole cabinet falls apart.
Comment Just heard on a very old episode of QI Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi What is brown and sticky? A carrot What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley What is red and silly? Comment The 'Perfect Password' A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed: P Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!
Shoulda bought a hat. Comment A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well-dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants, takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? Comment Groaners, anyone? The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was sued for littering. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on ahead".
Jokes 2 (only English please)
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. Comment 79 18 One o too much. Comment Hmm Comment Or cunt? Comment Mujibar was trying to get a job in in a call centre in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.
No doubt you have spoken to him. Comment A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life? Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say any-thing, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life. Comment Somebody told me this one the other day, but I'm afraid it only works when read aloud: Why can't motorcycles and bicycles stand up on their own? Because they are too tired! Comment It took a minute but then Comment During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches while erect. The professor has appealed for help to continue his research. Comment My question: what's so vulgar about the word "penis"? Comment hermarphromoose: I just CP-ed it, but here are two shiny "i"s to insert at your pleasure :. Comment Hmmm- so when laalaa talks about a penis, she gives hermaphromoose shiny eyes Comment Hi, although I am sure that this one must have been posted before, let me add it here: A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money? What kind of bets?
You can never win that kind of bet! That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's is the matter with your lawyer? Comment A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second. You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long? Comment A pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven. God came and said: "Follow me, I will show your rooms. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk. Then God gave the lawyer his room. It was a big room with a big bed, a pool and lots of pretty woman. Comment I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking After today, no more reading.
Comment A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. Is something bothering you? Just serious by nature.. Relax and enjoy yourself. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since ! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since Comment The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window yards away. He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.
Let me tell you! The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Comment A few thoughts for Friday: -Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. But it's still on the list. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. He made SO many. I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Comment A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. Where are you going? Eats shoots and leaves. Comment There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do? And thin no more! Thin ist klar, aber repaint? Comment Danke tigger. Ist nicht unbedingt mein Wortfeld. Ist "thin" dann auch ein Wortspiel mit "sin"? Comment You got it, minima. Comment Thanks, hermarphromoose!
Some things you can't explain A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain. Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he needed a poo! Comment Sir Charles was a proud man. He had started with nothing and had made his own way in life. He had started as a bank clerk and now he was chairman of his bank. Joyce, his wife, was pleased that her husband had done well. They had been married for 35 years and they were quite happy really but sometimes she wished that he weren't One evening at dinner, Joyce said, "Darling, I met an old boyfriend today.
Freddie Carpenter. Do you remember him? He's a bank clerk in one of your branches, actually. Dear, oh dear. Just think darling, what your life would have been like if you had married him! Comment I'm a bit ashamed to admit I don't get the poo one. And usually even I find the gross-out haha ones funny, but with this one I'm just thinking, "Even if the baker needed a poo, why did he have to wipe with his hands? That's disgusting. And why a baker in the first place?
- The Eye of the Goddess: Protector of the Crystal Children.
- Take A Deep Breath!
- The Field..
Comment Hermar, I'm so awfully glad you asked that, 'cause I've been wondering for weeks, but didn't dare ask, fearing it was so obvious and only me the blind one Comment Okay, since there are TWO sufferers Comment Sorry lawyers! Comment Well, Your Honour, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I drove into the other day. I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who, as you can see, is a dwarf, approached me aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy.
A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!! If only men would listen. Comment Clerk to customer in hardware store: "May I help you? Do you have four two-watt bulbs? Said the two to their tutor, "Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Comment I am still not getting , could someone explain it to poor Pooh? Comment Ich hab immer gedacht was hat denn poo mit kneaded zu tun? Danke Comment What's the difference between a Bud and having sex in a canoe? There is none - both is fucking close to water. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity. Comment Bad day at work for a commercial diver April, Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cold. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Your voice is missing! You will need to register to be able to join in fellowship with Christians all over the world. Christian Forums. We hope to see you as a part of our community soon and God Bless! The forums in the Christian Congregations category are now open only to Christian members.
Please review our current Faith Groups list for information on which faith groups are considered to be Christian faiths. Christian members please remember to read the Statement of Purpose threads for each forum within Christian Congregations before posting in the forum. Jun 11, 1. Jun 11, We teamed up with Faith Counseling.
Can they help you today? Jun 11, 2. Lord have mercy. Agree x 3 Funny x 1 List. Jun 11, 3. Huh, I just posted this thread here offering my thoughts. He's probably thinking similarly in many ways. Jun 11, 4. Agree x 3 List. Jun 11, 5. Like x 1 Funny x 1 List. Jun 11, 6. Thanks for posting this. I read it, and now I find the the title misleading. The obviously "decorated" photograph of Met.
Kallistos seems not only ridiculous on the face of it, but especially offensive given the Metropolitan's life of service to the Church. A rainbow pin is applied to him in an unflattering photograph, making the suggestion that he has, in retirement, willy-nilly chosen to associate himself whole hog with a certain social movement. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates. To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly.
An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair. A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway , make a right at the lights and return to the airport. Why must I speak English? The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. So it was with some amusement that we a Pan Am listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways , call sign Speedbird With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving.
Well, two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice white wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. Sure enough, on the way home, there was a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. A new priest, born and raised in Montana, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Full text of "Drum No 22"
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged. The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock. The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate. Peter replies. We decided to use it as a fan. Bring your husbands. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM, there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:. Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie. Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin.
Here, you can borrow my iPad. Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of the community.
Noticing a mistake in St. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer? Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie! When you preached, people slept.
When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed. So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports. So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter. Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator. She is furious… Here she is — in the middle of dealing with this crisis in the middle east now this has happened to her!
How could you have let this happen? How could you? There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. A man in walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from son? This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Canada towards the Middle East.
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Canadians who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Middle East so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners. The coach had put together the perfect team for the Saskatchewan Roughriders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window yards away. So, he brings him to the Canada and teaches him the great game of football. And the Riders go on to win the Grey Cup. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
Let me tell you! The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a Chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:. Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The room went silent. No other child volunteered.. Obama searched the room. Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy? What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. And then the greatest day of your life. Even the words sound like a ceremony. But then you turn Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. If you make it over , you become a little kid again. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the woman who interviewed him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days Each employee will receive personal days a year. Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and regret. His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories except Kansas, which she does not fancy.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:. There is no such thing as U. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth — see what it did for them.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. An internal revenue agent i. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p. How big is your army? That makes eight! Barack paused. Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!
President Obama sighed. Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. We have managed to git ourselves airborne! Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F pilot asked the C pilot what he thought of that?
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. You have AIDS. Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my keys. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,. Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. That old German Shepherd nearly had me! Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther! My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
We decided it was going to be ft. He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion , for in the time of the prophet, there was no music … no radio……. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. Lulu was a prostitute — One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one. When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for a Revenue Canada Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. Both the RC agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. I promise. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come up again. Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives. Burn the body and bury the ash. Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence! When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. By all means marry. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. I was married for two years. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Next day he received a hundred letters. You Want My Advice? The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked the following questions:. She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at Drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.